kolosos666
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Post by kolosos666 on Mar 17, 2009 15:03:08 GMT -5
Title:Land of Eden Genre/s: Fantasy/Fiction Warnings: Has some violence, and murder Rating: T? Progress:So far i have 5 chapters, including the prologue, i want to make at least 10 chapters. Link: www.fictionpress.com/s/2649240/1/Land_of_EdenSummary:David, Victor, Sonja, Jennie are 4 kids transported to the magical realm of Eden with the help of 4 magical bracelets, and David and Victor's dad, Lance is also transported there. There they embark on a magical journey that will change their lifes forever(kinda cliche, but every fantasy story is like that...no way around that..xD) |
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Post by SnakeYukin on Mar 17, 2009 15:21:18 GMT -5
I modified your first post as you were a guest not a member. I'll delete it when you get you're link; well, allowed to post on fictionpress.
Now, for the story, I'll start off with the good point. The story seems original and it is interesting. Now, for the bad, which draws this down a lot, is that it seems rushed: grammar problems, capitalizing when shouldn't and vice-versa, and just a sense it is trying to quickly get to the point instead of pulling us along for the journey. However, I feel that if you could just fix that rushed effect on all of the chapters, then it will be a really good story. Don't give up and just take the chapter nice and slow and pay attention especially to grammar and such. If you need some help or editing, don't be afraid to ask.
Good luck on future writing and welcome to our little forum.
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kolosos666
Creative Student
The Forum OWNAGE maker
Posts: 11
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Post by kolosos666 on Mar 17, 2009 15:26:00 GMT -5
hehe...GO FOR IT!!!!if you wanna edit the story, be my guest. This is just my second try at story writing...The first one was called Rave 9. As you can see, its REAAAAAALLY based on Ben 10..xD..if you want i can post it. Also,i dissagree with the grammar mistakes, i used a grammar check on both Microsoft office AND Open Office. And yes, i agree about the random caps. I dont know why, but my finger keeps pressing the Shift button for no Reason..see?xD
also...i know about the rushing part, a friend of mine said the same thing. He also said that my descriptions sucked...but meh..
So thats basicly it, if you want to edit the story go ahead. I wouldn't mind, we can even work together on it...MAKE IT NEW HARRY POTTAH!!!!xD
And tell me if you would like for me to post the Rave 9 story.
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Post by SnakeYukin on Mar 17, 2009 15:54:24 GMT -5
Well, grammar mistakes are just things like extra periods and other stuff that don't really belong for what you are talking about. Also, the part where it goes into the flashback, the way you put it, almost made it seem like a drama; as you stated it was a flashback instead of letting us figure it out or telling us he thought back to that moment.
Don't worry about the description, I'm not the best at them either. I believe it's the main reason I don't get as many reviews. What I mean is edit your work is when you finish the chapter, that I go through and edit any problems with it. I would like it if you went back through the chapters you uploaded, try to solve all of the rush problems and cap problems, and then maybe send it to me to edit some minor problems and such and then see if you agree with them.
I wouldn't mind writing the story with you, but I do also have other things to write of my own, school work, and other things so I may not be as quick.
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kolosos666
Creative Student
The Forum OWNAGE maker
Posts: 11
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Post by kolosos666 on Mar 17, 2009 15:56:56 GMT -5
i see.okies..well i gotta go to bed nao..will do all those stuff tommorow..maybe..xD
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Post by SnakeYukin on Mar 17, 2009 15:58:03 GMT -5
Alright.
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kolosos666
Creative Student
The Forum OWNAGE maker
Posts: 11
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Post by kolosos666 on Mar 20, 2009 15:30:27 GMT -5
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Post by SnakeYukin on Mar 20, 2009 15:39:54 GMT -5
Link was wrong, I had to go and edit it. You have to get the link from your profile page on fictionpress.
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